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a year page

Jan. 1st, 2014 | 06:22 pm

up and downs throughout the years..
all i had been doing here .. in this page?

rant and sobbing ..
sitting here
wasting my time
writing things that people never read or understand

here i deserve a round of applause from silent readers...

*throw confetti around*

ok . ok.. back to reality here

i had been travelling around emotion roller coaster for whole year
there is things just meant to be there
remember last time what i say before

i shall be start listening to the voicee..
sounding all going holy here?
just a joke ....

how i think about 2013?
it had been a great year when u got someone by yourself?
wanna know who?
 find  out yourselves

my answer is just here yea?

maybe i should stop here and let the page goes on..
see how it goes
i am keeping some of my memories as secret

2014 be ready
because i am gonna get you for goodddd


Dec. 25th, 2013 | 11:13 pm
mood: melancholy melancholy

listen to the heart beat sound
listen to voice hidden inside..
listen to what had been told inside
listen to the inner side

i am trying to search for the voice
the voice tries to scream aloud inside my heart
the voice tries to escape to the real world
the voice trying to reach me

is the voice trying to control me?
is the voice really my own voice?
is my inner voice really there?

i am trying to search my own voice
my true voice
i am trying to understand my own voice
i am trying follow my own voice
from now on..

the voice from those who gave to me
the voice of gentleness
the voice of kindness
the voice of cruelty
the voice of silent
the voice of beauty
the voice of love
the voice of hatred

the voice from those who gave me
guided me from far away to present

from now on. i shall follow my own voice
which voice is true?
which voice is fake?

i shall find and listen to my own voice

to what people judge of my own voice
to what understanding others may have for my own voice

the voice on my own is right here and right now ..

my voice is just here
your own voice is there as well 

where should i go from here?

Oct. 27th, 2013 | 01:47 am
mood: depressed depressed
music: The Lion King Broadway Soundtrack - 16. Endless Night

lost in the path ..
lost in the night..

where should i go from here?
where should i head for ?
where should i look for?

i am blinded from my path
i am tired from my journey

i just need one word
just need one word

saying everything will be fine
saying everything will be better

each i had seek for comfort
each of them had shunned away my heart

cast away my mind
cast away my eye

leaving me behind alone
in here

where should i go from here?

i can just fake a smile... all the way 

just a joke

Aug. 9th, 2013 | 09:32 pm
mood: apathetic apathetic

action speak louder than words..
small little things matter a whole world..
trust and joy combine became happiness
human are greedy arent' they??
even certain things might fulfill your dreams but at some point it can destroy your dreams
but sometime for  ourselves..
we try to think for the best and hope for the best is it?
every single moment  i could have..
i might tried to create a special moment or hoping it could happen
or it might just being me unsatisfied with my life
or it might just being me trying to be greedy
i am such selfish beech am i?
every single chance i could seek or a moment of chance grabbing it..
i would try  to imagine and hoping and even try to plan
for the best  time i could have
or maybe i am just being overexcited about things around me
that is every time and i think i have repeated a few time about this
i am disappointed sometime with my life
someone did told me before
that dun even try to have high hops in everything
so i will not hurt myself even more
yet i cant help myself.. especially in those cases i had planned long time ago
end up
squash and throw aside..
no matter how i try to fix the situation or even try to put up a balance
it still be squash and throw aside
that is ..
the end
what could i do?
it can just happen.. and it just happen all the time
what am i complaining about anyway?
not that everyone could understand
well.. sometime there is someone could feel and fit my shoes
but not all the  time
what am i laughing about now?
why am i complaining so much for now?
what am i doing now?
just a joke on what am i doing here
seriously it is just joke...


Jul. 21st, 2013 | 10:25 pm
mood: bitchy bitchy

how do u enjoy a moment?
through planning and preparation trying to help other s to enjoy
thinking and discussing
planning again and again
repeat the steps again over and over again

in the end.,
what is the result that you might try to seek?

smiles and enjoyment from yourself and others as well
enjoy the main point of the planning
enjoy the main purpose of the plan

reality check with your idealism
it can happen when the right moment and the right timing
it can happen when the right moment and the wrong timing as well

the main point is do you yourself enjoy ?

in my part .. i could not feel the enjoyment
there is no fun
there is no interest
there is no sort of word as excitement

from the previous activity i tried to enjoy and had fun
in the end
i did not felt any enjoyment that is anticipated
none at all

i enjoy the mother nature had offered us
cooling water ..settling wind.. great weather with bright sun saying good morning..
great food is not missed as well

yet i still do no feel the enjoyment
but frustration and sadness
to the point of what i am paying now as consequences
as regrettable wasted

what i can do after all ?
i dun wanna repeat the same incident anymore


Jul. 14th, 2013 | 10:23 pm
mood: confused confused
music: Cantarella - Music Box

it is true what someone told me before..
something that might related to things we do
things might affect personally and mentally

i am trying to venture outside
like everyone say
spread your wings
fly higher
fly further
but never near to the sun
or u will burn yourself

is there still restriction?
is there a limit?

i am angry at myself..
i am dissappointed at myself..

i dun know nor understand
what to speak of my mind?

my mind just empty
just bare naked
does not understand
what am i suppose to do


Jul. 1st, 2013 | 08:37 pm
mood: depressed depressed
music: Teru no uta by Teshima Aoi

have your ever wonder
and ask yourself few random question which just to pass the time quickly and easily.

by asking yourself
why your own family never try to understand you?
why you yourself never try to understand your family?
why your own family able to treat others  in a luxury ways?
why you yourself unable to treat your own family in luxury ways?
why your own family able to understand others may happen but not yours?
why you yourself unable to understand your own family problems?

why and why and why
question after question running intro your head and thinking
in the end
what is the point of all this?
what is the meaning of this?
what should i do after this?

another set of question lining up from behind

people say that girls or women tend to think all the time
their brains cant stop moving
it goes on and on and on
i found it quite thrilling to understand that fact is quite true

here i am sitting here trying to understand each of the question being throw to me
and wonder what is wrong with me in the end

we tend to seek answer that doesn't have the exact explanation
feeling anguish, impatient, and stubborn tend to cover my mind to seek explanation
i am a human as well as i do have feelings

i lived in a family where everything is different
different from what we call normal but different enough to be normal
i do not get to see different side of the world
but i get to see different side of the meaning
i do not get pamper nor hugs nor love
but i get attention and stares
i do not get luxury nor comfort
but i get laughter

so in the end what is the real question u should seek for explanation ?

a day to remember

Jun. 16th, 2013 | 09:27 pm
mood: grateful grateful
music: Spirited Away: Always With Me

dear diary,

today happen alot of random stuff.. it was kinda expected due to some hints..
but in the end it was one experiences i will never forget for the rest of my life..

dear diary, o

this present is one of the best i ever received from someone special
he is someone who never give up on simple things ..
even the things might be tough as a diamond to crack

he is someone whom i know for quite sometime which i never expected to end up in the end..

things happen between me and him always special and first time experiences..

it is something i never felt before..

dear diary..

what am i talking about??

is it obvious??

*kick myself*

dear diary...

i would like to say it is funny and awesome experiences ever..

it is an experience
a feeling
a memories

that nothing can replace... 


Jun. 14th, 2013 | 11:37 pm
mood: peaceful peaceful
music: 105 Days by PianoBoy

this time i will start my journal like it should be..

dear diary,

my birthday is coming soon as expected.. it happen once a year and it happen every year
what make it different every year?

it mark my time
it mark my memories
it mark my journey
it mark my life

why it is so important?

bec it is mark of your beginning  for your long journey

it is special to everyone .. and it hold deeply to them

some may choose to ignore and live on
some may keep it to themselves
some may wanna share it with the world..

which is the some of u can be?

dear diary,

what am i saying anyway? i am just sitting here and talking  ( typing) with u..
thinking the possible happens of tomorrow which i have no power over it may happen
but i know i have the right to choose what to happen when the times come...

dear diary..

i am running far away from my topic again ><.... * slap self*
back to the topic birthday..

it is reaching soon... and i am the part of the some one wanna share my birthday with someone..
i wan to celebrate my special day with  a BANG.. it can be small bang or BIG bang.. it just a small gathering i am happy enough to see

but to be honest .. dear diary..

my birthday is always being alone. yes there is few years i am able to celebrate it with some of my friends whose are special to me..
but i wonder sometime.. why it is forgotten again after such while.. long connection.. different path way.. different world..

reason reason.. i keep hearing reason..

which figures my special day is just another day passing by..
from my young memories of candle-blowing to well wishes..
it just went pass by just like that..
i am not trying to speak ill of anything

i am just given up ..
i told
i love surprise
i told
i love fun
i told
i love the crowd
i told
i love the memories

but none was heard..

dear diary..

my birthday is reaching sooon ^^... wish me happy birthday yea...
it mark of my new chapter in my life..

bec i already knew what may happen on my special day
bec it is just another passing by day
as same as when i reach my adulthood
as same as when i reach my teenage hood
as same as when i reach my new chapter

dear diary..

at least i know who really care for me

(no subject)

Mar. 24th, 2013 | 12:00 am
mood: worried worried
music: Dear You (Music Box Version)

i do not wish to lose u again..

i do not wish to give up

i do not wish to run away..

i do not wish to forget u..

i want u as my life

i want u as my world.

i want u as part of me..

i want u as my other half..

i found you

and u are here

u are here all the time

i found you.

u are just in front of me

so please dun dissappear from me

i dun wan lose u

i dun wan the incident to happen again

i dun wan to repeat the history

i just dun wan...

or i will just end my story ..

this might a little story just blabbering around..
this might look like just random old stuff lying around where random youngster might do
but what if that is you are feeling right now?
how mature are you when this kind of feeling hit u deeply?

sound threatening ?
sound weird?
sound funny?

i dun know the answer myself..
i do know i wan the confidence
here i am
sitting here crying like an idiot
what more i can say?
what more i can do?

i just feel afraid at times
i just can smile in front of others
hiding the tears
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