Rain rants and bla and blur

sore leg with sore feet... 
an effect after wearing and walking intensely in a high heels..
why should i wear it ?
why should i torture myself ?
why am i asking myself after  i am doing it voluntarily?

everything done might have to overcome with a sacrifice 
sometime it is only require your patience
sometime it is only require your dedication
in the end the outcome can be felt either fulfilling or disappointing effect

it might look like futile resistance to what you might have done to yourself  
you might complain 
you might say it is just being myself doing like so
you might blame yourself
why am i doing this for?

silly me asking all the nonsense when i know i am only doing this for fulfilled the feeling of satisfaction of others
or i might be just trying to make myself happy 
or i am just being selfish..

*selfsmack* 
this is too much for me..
it is either i am getting confused with i am typing.
or i am just trying to spill some nonsense to mess up your mind.. 

 mental note to myself.. 

if i wanna cry i shall keep to myself.. why? 
bec there is no one that could feel your pain... even how hard u can expelled thru tears and screams and tantrum.. all  u can get in the end is nothing at all..

if i wanna cry  i shall not tell anyone.. why?
bec only myself understand what is happening... what kind of world is turning around me.. as i am the only one being inside my world.. when there is nobody to go with at all..

if i wanna cry the world will nvr know about it.. why?
bec i am hiding in the corner and feeling nobody but myself hugging my own soul... as there is no one there to reach with...

if i wanna cry there will be no light around me.. why?
bec darkness shall cover my tears as i lock my feelings away..

if i wanna cry i will always be alone .. there is no reason why.. 

apparently most of the post i write is kinda sad lol.. or kinda melancholy.. weird it is ??
but here is one of the only place i could let my feelings out without any interferences or any argument..
without causing anyone to feeling something misplaced ...

anyway... CNY is still here~~ only day 8 of the CNY which means is the day where Hokkien shall have ban tian gong ceremony bu in much large crowd by open house to invite all to come..

which remind me of my childhood memories where i used to have this celebration with tons of people and everyone carry me around and bring me around to see and laugh and chit chat.. make jokes around and it was lovely and enjoyable celebration of the CNY..

but time had changes .. the crowd seem to left only my family for this few years already... lol maybe because of the incident happen around ..not a pretty sight either to describe as everyone have their own family problems ...

beside than that issues pop out one by one.. as i am continue to wondering what should i e doing actually.. or what kind of step should i make to move on... it is kinda hard to make single step without causing any problems around.... it is not everyone understand how serious the situation can be.. as it is only my self know what is going on each side and every corner of the problem.. i have to choose ignore certain factors when come to worst ..and yet a few hands just have to push from behind and forcing to choose a step that we never wanted too bec those hands doesnt understand the actual situation is happening now..

what more can i say actually? 

 

 another celebration gone.. new celebration awaits and ready to be released on their day to come..
different celebration marking different cultures and different being around us.. what kind of day and life and emotions spreading around as u can see and feeling it as well..

Chinese new year is on the way.. which mark a new begining whole new year for the Chinese ppl.. marking beginning and new time to walk on and work blablabla blabla...
for the new resolution that have been set for the new year? is similar haha.. lol...
just few things around me will not be the same .. 
i better dun mention about it as it can be quite silly thing to be heard and very funny to be told.. yet very fustrated to be experienced as it involved the oldest member of your family..
which they wont understand and listen to current days issue and taking their as high and mighty as if.. they own the world under their hands.

once in a while time just turn around and around and stuck at there.. and make u to do something which u have to keep on doing and doing.. end up lifeless.. and dead dream right there....
maybe that why the new year is here for u to decide the steps to take? 

 back from singapore... back from vacation.. back from playing.. back from resting...
which meansss.. time to get my butt working... even though i feel satisfy with my vacation with the shopping.. theme park fun and stuff.. sometime human being greedy.. wan to have more.... it is true.. i wanna stay at singapore longer.. but it is kinda boring if u stay  even longer as u can visit most of the place in just one day.. haha that is true story lol.. as singapore is not really  a big place either.. 

in fact.. i cant be running away from my life.. for long time now.. time might be unlimited for me.. yet someone might just shrink it into smaller and smaller pieces.. while u trying to expand your way out.. it is kinda hard way to do so.. lol..maybe when u try to understand how the shrinking process works.. and try to find the reason behind it... u might able to expand your way ... 
(wth am i talking about here)

living on my life.. will be a lot of difficulties and challenges to face off once in a while ... the challenges must be accepted with dignity and proud.. sometime acceptance will be done with low self esteem might happen.. 
which always happen to me...complain shall not be accepted if u try to run away.. but.. i dun know why.. i always find reason for my own??? i wondering... 

 ending of the year and beginning of new year... looking back old life i had thru out 2010... 

what happen??
argues and rants happen all the times....it never stops... problems pops up and down.. and having my own up and downs as well..
tempers?? throughout the years.. there were sure fires and spark being thrown around and being released or hold back.. misunderstanding?? happen all the time when  u are trying to blend in the a different group...
especially mine when my education language and lifestyle is totally different ...
love life?? ups and downs do happen but we will never knew what happen next ..as it is just like a roller coaster ride around the world lol.. what could u know next.. exciting or being surprise by high height rollers...
but for sure i know i found one who would accept me for being who am i...
as i am knowing that my background is not so princess lifestyle around..

what should i put into my new year resolution??
-try to create a new *me* .. being new style i could have ..and work HARD to maintain my new style XD
-try to live a new life style i could create.. no more deli deli dela deli..
-enjoy everything i could have
-try to MAKE my plans COME TRUE  XD no more delay and stuff
-try to create timetable for my assignment and stuff
-try be happy more.. open myself more to ward to the one i loves..
-try to avoid anymore shut down ....
-try to save up some moneyy for raining days~~

i think that is for now... anymore?? i have to add on later on when figures out ~~ 

 hmmmm .. this few days i got  two invitation for two type of gathering.. one from my secondary skool mates and other one from my college mates.. 

the secondary mate was about a prom nite at certain college.. which to be honest.. and i ADMIT.. i never been to a prom before lol.. >.>.. yet again it is seem interesting since it will my usual 5 or more years gang get together time for some fun.. yes i do wish to join them and create more fun than before and keep on preserving our frenship for long long long time as.. they ARE my mates for a VERY long time already ..

the college mate invitation was about my senior farewell party.. well.. not to say i am not that distance from them... yet i am not really close either .. it is kinda like 50/50? haha ... srsly this invitation as is not direct from them.. just a pass on and on by other person.. yea i wanna join the party as well.. so i could build some more college memories before i leave for the real world lol.. yet again i worry one side which is yes... my mum =.=... this party is going to be a pool side party so i am not sure whether she allowed or not.. bec from beginning of their activities party event.. i never once joined them.. bec  i always worry my mum would just  say NO... instead of having high hopes.. i just forget it and let it pass by..by just looking at the picture that my college mates showing how much fun they are having... 

it is not that i am being coward to ask.. just i dun wanna put high hopes which end up with another pillow filled with tears ... happen all the times.. which my mum never knew nor anyone else does.. sometime watching those pictures filled with fun and laughter.. i will just sit at there and stared which also hoped i were standing inside the picture .. having fun as well.. haha it is seem like no matter what happen .. just ended up with tears ... sometime when they are chit chat happily how fun it was... i would sitting there and listen.. just holding back my tears.... just dun wanna ruin their mood nor being moodspoiler ..LOL XDD haha.. just listen would be enough for me i guess some times??

i just dun wanna end my youth with such empty memories .. that all ><... 

 shall be my first post...at here hopefully i will not make this journal like my old blogs.. which being abandon and deleted  .. 
now u can see i am quite person.. anyway ~~ this will my first post sooo.. i better keep it short first until i have any idea to rant about something @@ ~~ 

toodles